Ok, perhaps not buy. I’m not that skint yet. ‘Who will have’ may be closer to the mark, in all its senses. I have been on the dating ‘market’ for around a year now, and I’ve got to admit that twelve months on, it isn’t getting any easier. I’ll be straight with you here – I am not looking for love again (too painful) or a long-term relationship (too expensive…and painful). Just, you know, a date. And whatever that might lead to. I’m not proud.
My problem is this. Whilst I find my own sexuality, body geography and gender identity perfectly easy to grasp, that certainly isn’t the way other people see things. In short, in my experience**: lesbians have found me attractive until they find out I identify as male (too much of a man). Straight women have treated me like a pet eunuch: a non-threatening man who they can giggle about periods with. But definitely not sleep with (not enough of a man). Gay men have found me attractive until they find I have my original plumbing (not enough of a man). Straight (or, in my experience, bi) men have found me attractive if they are allowed to pretend I’m not really a man. If I emphasise my gender identity, they bail (too much of a man). I have been turned down for numerous explicitly and implicitly gender-based reasons, and it’s starting to jar me off.
**Oh, and before anyone gets their underwear in a twist about my broad, sweeping and stereotypical generalisation of people into four categories, I am talking about my own experience, and yes, I am aware that they are broad, sweeping and stereotypical generalisations. This is a blog, not a gender seminar. And in truth, I’m not quite such a big old sl*g that I’ve been hit on by every facet of the beautiful gender kaleidoscope.
Perhaps I have shot myself in the foot, cut off my nose to spite my face, or chucked out the baby with the bathwater, by undergoing a physical transformation. I have a masculine build, no breasts, but I retain the genitalia I was born with, by choice. Arguably, I have created a physical self that is so different from the norm that people need to think hard about what they are seeing. And when people think hard, that tends to be where the trouble starts. I have been told that I have led to people questioning their own sexuality (hurrah for enlightenment, boo for me going home without a shag). I try to be candid with people about who and what I am, and this has led to some slightly awkward email dissections of “what’s what and where”, which probably aren’t the best prelude to a fabulous date. Maybe I should just ‘wing it’ and hope that the surprise factor doesn’t get me thrown out of the bedroom, or worse. As an aside, did you know that in some countries, the shock caused by finding out that someone is trans* is actually admissable as evidence in court in defending battery and murder. Nuts.
So what on earth to do? Honesty has always been my policy, and I can’t imagine doing things differently. Perhaps I should just worry less what potential partners think – after all, if I’m not their bag, baby, there’s not a lot I can do to convince them. I know that some folk deliberately seek out trans* men, but as a very ordinary chap, I’m loathe to become someone’s fetish. I’ve been advised to seek out partners amongst the ‘Queer Community’, which is all very well, but I live in rural Norfolk. Plus, I’m not entirely convinced that that’s the niche for me.
Labels are dangerous things, and I prefer to avoid them. If asked to describe my sexuality, I say ‘mostly gay’, which tends to elicit a smile, but is as close to the truth as I can find in a couple of words. I find women beautiful (well, most, anyway!) but I’m not really looking to get cosy with them, if you know what I mean. But who knows? Gender comes in many hues, as does personality and, well, everything, so I’d be silly to say I’d never date someone based on something so fluid.
Of course, I never really anticipated that I would be in this position. I had always rather pooh-poohed the problems of dating as a trans* person, because I was sat blithely in my long-term relationship. Well, karma came back to bite me there, and whilst my ex is now happily engaged to the person for whom she left me, I am, at the age of 42, clumsily single and singularly clueless.
The world is horrible…. I mean….. *insert something comforting here*
Sadly im not in much of a position to offer help/advice as i am in the same boat… hope things get better tho.
Thank you, Alex – always good to know someone else is in the same boat. Even if the boat is a bit leaky and smelly!
To my mind, this is one area where gender and sexual orientation needs to be taken out of the equation. If someone is attractive as a person (whatever plumbing they have), then that should be the focus of the potential relationship. Yes, I know I’m coming from a self-identified gay man’s point of view, but I don’t see people in terms of their gender or what they get up to in their bedroom. As a generation (and those generations that have followed us), we’re far too caught up on sexual release, while that is, in fact, little more than a couple of minutes where one or more of us end up hot, sweaty and sticky. Life is far too short to get caught up on that kind of ‘love’, it is certainly not long enough to spend copious amounts of time concerning ourselves about what other people think of us, our bodies and our actions. Just go out and enjoy, Mark! 🙂
Hi there,
I love your blog and I hope you’re doing now. I have a suggestion I’m sure you’ve heard a million times : create an okcupid profile. I have a friend who had similar problems to you (he mostly gets interest from women , and not from his favored demographic of gay men) and once he started online dating he met another transman and it was really great for him and I think desiring another transman made him feel more desirable himself. 🙂
Hi Jamie – I’m glad you enjoyed this post, and it’s great to hear that your friend has found someone to make him happy 😉 I tried okcupid, and I’m afraid it didn’t turn out at all well for me…! Well, I’ll just keep swimmin…as good old Nemo would say 😀
Have you considered dating fellow trans* guys? There seem to be a fair few gay & bi guys lurking around in various online groups, and I’m sure not all of them are only after their “wun twu luuurrrve”. Also, even if it’s just a one-nighter (or a one-afternooner), don’t go in at the start with the thought of “I want to get my rocks off at the end of this” – identify someone you find physically attractive, and have some things in common with, whose sexuality & availability match yours, and start talking to them. I’m sure this is old news, and an obvious answer that you’ve tried already, but every little helps, right?
Thanks, Tony – all advice welcomed 🙂
Hi Mark,
Great post, great blog! Condolences – your dating experience parallels mine. Ouch! I will emphatically echo what Tony said. There are tons of hot trans men just drooling to get into your pants. Trust me on that.
Also, you might consider trying what worked out really well for me as an uncut FtM – a TRULY bisexual woman. A woman (or man) like this is totally unconcerned with the externals and is all about the person inside.
Best,
Dan
Conversely…..there are certainly gay men (myself included) who don’t care about what the ‘plumbing’ is, but who find it incredibly difficult to connect with ftm folk! My experiences have mostly been accidental; it’s usually been “ummm, there’s something I need to tell you”. I wish there really were a decent, properly functioning dating site. Maybe I’ll set one up 🙂 Good luck, great blog 🙂
Az
Could you explain what you mean by finding it difficult to connect with ftm folk?
I am not the most conservative person on the planet, so imagine my surprise when I found a knocked out word, whose meaning I couldn’t decipher.. please tell me what sl*g means.
Hi Pencil Hoarder! Sl*g means ‘slag’ – a British slang word for someone who has sex with a lot of people. It’s not a ‘bad bad’ word, but not at all polite – it can be used humorously between friends, but with care 🙂 Hope that clears things up – thanks for getting in touch!