Those of you who know me may have noticed that I haven’t really been myself recently. Even the online me has been a bit subdued, though I’ve tried to keep things upbeat. After all, who wants to go on Facebook and read a load of mopey statuses (statii??) about how down I’ve been feeling? At work I’ve tried my best to get on with my job and not make too many stupid mistakes, but all in all, the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a slog.
I’m bipolar, or manic-depressive if you prefer that term, and having periods of bleakness rather comes with the territory. Saying that, as the years have gone by, and I’ve been happier generally, more able to manage the downers when they happen, and the pills have done their job, I don’t get as horribly sad as I used to. Maybe that’s why this last fortnight has been so hard, wondering why on earth I felt like this when everything is going so well in my life.
Now let’s cut to ten and a half weeks ago, when I had my first Nebido injection. Doctors recommend having this every 10-14 weeks, and I was told to make an appointment for 12 weeks later. Nebido is a depot form of testosterone, which means that the ‘good stuff’ is released slowly without a really big peak. It does, however, start to peter out towards the end of the dose.
I had a blood test a week or so ago. I have these every 3 months, checking all sorts of levels. It’s kind of nice to know on a regular basis that my kidneys are still doing their job, my Lithium levels aren’t too high, my body is still welcoming the thyroxine I feed it, and so on. More to the point, it gives me a chance to make sure my testosterone levels are in the normal range for a male. Which they have been steadily for the last 17 months.
I got a call from the GP surgery a couple of days ago saying I had to see a doctor ASAP, as they’d got my blood test results back, and something was amiss. They wouldn’t say what, so I was eager to see what the doctor had to say. Lo and behold, my testosterone levels are really low – it would seem that 12 week doses are too far apart for me. The symptoms of low testosterone, in both bio-men and transmen who take testosterone as part of their transition can be, amongst others:
- depression
- mental fogginess/fuzziness
- difficulty concentrating
- anxiety
- a general feeling of not caring about anything
- feeling like you just “exist”
- a decrease in feelings of pleasure and desire
Look at all familiar? No wonder it felt like the Black Dog was in my life again. Fortunately, I have a good GP who made sure I had a right buttock full of Nebido within an hour of me walking into her office. And strict instructions to come back in 10 weeks, not 12. Getting the Nebido from the chemist next door over a week early, and squeezing me in with the nurse did briefly turn into a bit of an Ealing Comedy, but I shan’t bore you with the slapstick details. Suffice it to say, I have now got my preferred fuel back in my system, and I hope all those horrible feelings will soon disappear. On the first anniversary of taking testosterone, I got 4 stars tattooed on my arm, representing my feeling that after a lifetime of running on unleaded fuel, I have finally found my 4 star. Going through the last couple of weeks has reminded me just how much I rely on getting the right fuel, and the disturbing consequences of it running low.
If there’s a moral to this tale, it’s twofold: rely on your feelings, and get regular bloodtests. If you’re feeling down, weak and hopeless, it might not be ‘just you’. It’s difficult for me because if I feel down, it’s natural to assume it’s the bipolar kicking me in the teeth, or even my hypothyroidism rearing its ugly head. Many people have *something* in their lives that they can blame for feeling that way, but if you’re on T, get your levels checked.
ftmark 
Mark, sounds so familar, except coming from the other direction MTF although I experience all the low Testosterone feelings too. The fuel reference is exactly the analogy I made when I started Eostrogen and felt like for the first time I was running on unleaded and not diesel in my car and I had the right fuel for the engine finally. See I told you I am an MTFTM! lol Katy
Sorry to hear about this, Mark, but (and this is going to sound really patronising, although it is NOT supposed to), at least is was not something worse or serious. Fingers crossed things stay on track! 🙂
I have had my own difficulties with switching over to Nebido. I still don’t think my levels are right, but that probably won’t get fixed until after my hysterectomy. I sympathize and hope that they get your dosage worked out for you.
I too am always nervous about this switch to nebido, part of my worries though is my physical stuff going on so I am never sure what is me being bipolar like depression or just shear pissed off or adjustment….. I get my levels checked soon and am hoping it is as ok as testogel if not I am switching back
The Nebido may not be enough as the natural levels of testosterone for people born as female is likely to be even lower than a hypogonadal male, so it is possible that you may need an even bigger dose. It is either that or the Nebido has not yet built up in your system. I believe that this can take up to a year to sort out.
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As for the symptoms mentioned above by your doctor.
I can vouch for that, this is how I feel most of the time.
And have felt perhaps for 20 years.
It is only recently that I have discovered that I suffer from Hypo gonadism.
And can not tell you if the treatment will resolve the symptoms successfully.
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At least you have a good doctor who is willing to help.
Some doctors do the opposite especially if you suffer from any type of mental illness
including “mental illnesses” which may very well be symptoms of the condition that you are trying to get diagnosed. For example, You go to the doctor and say that you are tired and depressed.
The doctor will automatically prescribe you a SSRI anti-depressant without checking for anything else.
If you go to the doctor saying that you have anxiety (chronic irritability) and the doctor again will prescribe you an SSRI which incidentally will not cure your deficiency but simply space you out by drowning your grey matter with serotonin and dopamine.
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If, after being put on SSRI’s you still have anxiety, and you go back to the doc and say that you have anxiety. Most doctors wont give you a blood test, but will more likely send you to a psychologist or psychiatrist, who both will only ruin your life even further,
the psychologist will likely prescribe you CBT to cure your testosterone deficiency which of course will not work. If you are unlucky enough to be sent to a psychiatrist, the psychiatrist will also not likely do any blood tests but will likely diagnose you with chronic generalized anxiety disorder or perhaps even a more serious mood / psychotic mental illness, and in some cases will try force anti-psychotics down your throat and put you in an adult psychiatric ward for monitoring.
All done without ONE blood test done.
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Some doctors may simply force feed such patients anti-psychotics based on their own subjective opinion that the patient is a pain in the ass because they are stressed out or even angry. But again, these symptoms are normal for Hypo Gonadism.
Perhaps its time that the medical community woke up and stopped ruining peoples lives.
Hypo gonadism is a condition that has been known about since the late 1800’s.
Over a hundred years and doctors are still getting it all wrong!!!
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Nontheless, at least you sound like you have a good doc. Perhaps all i needed to do in order to get a doctor to give me the testosterone that I need to live is be born a woman….
But there ya go. i can see the irony.
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Still I wish you good luck.
Cheers