If you’ve read any of my earlier posts, you will know that I am not all that keen on discussing the contents of my pants. This is partly because it’s often the only thing that people consider important in terms of a transgender person’s transition, and partly because, well, it’s nobody’s damn business.

However, on this occasion, I’m willing to break my own rule to an extent, to discuss a very specific issue. Peeing.

Now don’t get me wrong here – I don’t feel a need to pee standing up in order to prove my manliness, look more macho, or anything like that. I appreciate that for some transmen, being able to use the bathroom in a way that fully reflects their gender identity is very important indeed, but my feelings on the subject are driven more by practicality.

In the majority of situations outside of the home, using a stall to pee is fine, though I still haven’t really acclimatised to the filthy state of many men’s public toilets. Sane, sensible, polite, reasonable men do seem to turn into filthmonsters in a public loo. If I ever find out which specimen of manliness feels a need to pick his nose and wipe the bloodied result repeatedly on the toilet wall where I work, I will have words.

However, as I said, that aside, I’m quite happy to plonk my bottom on a toilet seat and spend a few minutes contemplating my naval, without any sort of gender dysphoria kicking in.

The time when I really would like to be able to pee standing up are on a night out, or when using unfamiliar toilets, particularly those with one stall, a broken lock, and poo on the floor…I mean, come on guys…who misses the toilet entirely?? Under these circumstances, I would love to be able to unzip, pee and run.

Also, as men use the stall to empty their bowels, they take their time about it. So if I’m stood in the gents waiting patiently behind 2 people for the stall, with 6 empty, shiny urinals  just a few steps away, I know I’m going to be there for a while. And really, do YOU like hanging around in toilets, trying not to catch anyone’s eye??

So what’s the answer to this? Three letters: STP, or to be more formal, a Stand To Pee Device. Used mainly by transmen, and occasionally by women, they enable someone with female anatomy to pee standing up, without weeing down their own leg. Or at least, that’s the theory.

STPs are often combined with packers. A packer being a soft squidgy object shaped like a penis and balls, which sits in your pants to give the impression of male anatomy. I think the psychology and practicality of packing deserves a whole blogpost of its own, so forgive me if I stick to the basics here and now. An STP packer has a wider ‘catcher’, into which you pee, and a tube through the penis to the outside world. It is, to put it mildly, a knack.

I own an STP packer, which also has the interestingly euphemistic third function of ‘Play’. Yes, it can be used for penetrative sex. Waahay! It is also, allegedly, one of the easiest designs to use for peeing. Hmmmmmm. As someone said when I first raised this question, “Practise in the shower. Lots”. This I have done, but my experience is that whilst something is pretty easy with no clothes on, and no audience, doing it in a crowded pub toilet is something else again.

When using an STP, you have to have very good control over your flow. I know I did all my Kegel exercises after having my daughter, but let’s face it, I’m 40, post-baby and not terribly toned ANYwhere on my body, let alone ‘down there’. To avoid backing up your STP, the flow must be even. Add nerves and a couple of pints into this equation, and you’ve got a problem.

The other issue is clothing. I just don’t have the guts to risk peeing all over my clothes in public (definitely not my fetish, chaps!) and haven’t yet got the hang of exposing just enough of myself to be able to fish around and get the STP in the right place, and pee, without looking like I’m having a little fondle in front of the urinal…

Because of all this, I’d sort of given up on the standing to pee, but having spent one too many embarrassing times waiting outside stalls, and far too many times wishing I could levitate inside the stalls, the time has come to get this nailed.

So, my mission is to work out the logistics of peeing, standing up, in public, in a nonchalant manner, without having to carry spare trousers, underwear, socks and shoes…I will report back. Any suggestions very welcome!