Vegan cupcakes…mmm

I have now been on Testosterone for 11 days. My morning routine has settled nicely around smearing cold gel onto my tummy and arms, then wandering around in the nud until it’s dried. Most people associate taking T with injections, and that is the way many FTMs go. The doctor I see in London is a fan of the gel, for a number of reasons: it is applied daily, and so can be monitored and adjusted easily; there isn’t a big dose of the hormone going in at one time, then petering out – it’s a steady dose; mood swings are much less of a problem. From my perspective, I am very keen to prevent any major mood-swings. Whilst Bipolar and Testosterone are pretty comfortable bed-fellows, any way to minimise the likelihood of emotional extremes is the way I want to go.

Much is made of Testosterone Rage – the idea that taking T will turn a previously mild-mannered woman into an angry, fist-happy thug. As I have quite a temper myself, which is well-hidden after years of practice, I admit I am scared of the changes T may bring. I don’t want to be a stereotype.

Yesterday I chewed out a co-worker. He really deserved it, so I kind of don’t regret it, but what I hated was the feeling of intense anger that came with it, and stayed for some time afterwards. I swear, if he’d taken it any further, I’d have had a good go at re-arranging his face. Now all of this may simply have been a reaction to his acting like a d*ck, but I was alarmed at the thought that this may be the ‘new me’.

The whole incident yesterday got to me – I spoke to another colleague, who knows about my transition, and I explained that I felt I had enough Oestrogen in my body to care too much when people upset me, but enough Testosterone to get really angry about it. She said there must be a Civil War going on inside me. I just hope that when Testosterone start to prevail, I still care enough not to do anything silly.

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one”

Benjamin Franklin