In a few days I will hopefully be escaping finally from the clutches of Madame Oestrogen.

I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. In theory, all I need to do is take him the letter I have from my gender specialist, recommending testosterone, and the lovely doc will give me a prescription. In my fevered imagination, this process has taken on epic proportions, not least because I know that some FTMs in other parts of the country have had trouble persuading their doc to prescribe. So that’s fear number one.

There are so many positive things that I am looking forward to about starting hormone therapy. However, in my current limbo, I almost don’t want to talk about them in case I jinx the whole process. And this from someone who laughs at people who won’t stand on the cracks in the pavement. So today I am going to explore the dark side…

First fear, as I said, is not getting the hormones in the first place. Probably unfounded, but definitely the stuff of nightmares.

Second, I am scared that I may have a bad reaction to testosterone. It does happen, and some FTMs find themselves in the position of not being able to take the stuff they need the most. What do I do if my magic potion turns out to be toxic? There are many transmen out there who are “No Ho” (no hormone) for varying reasons. I take my hat off to them – I’m not sure I am that strong. It’s hard trying to live as a man without the effects of T to help sharpen and masculinise. After a relatively short period of ‘Real Life Experience’, I am thoroughly fed up with the searching looks and slip-ups. I’ll admit it, I simply want to pass as a bloke, and as Mother Nature hasn’t blessed me with a chiseled jaw and Brian Blessed voice, I need help.

Thirdly, but the most important, I am terrified of what transitioning will do to my relationship. I have a fine partner, who has supported me to the hilt, against all common sense, surely. We have talked and talked into the wee small hours about the what-ifs and maybes, but neither of us can even guess at how my physical and emotional changes will impact on our beautiful relationship. We embarked on our lives together as lesbians, and as tolerant and understanding as my honey is, I just don’t know how she will react to a small-ish, hairy-ish, testosteroney guy clambering into bed with her.

These are my main fears – they are sufficient to keep me awake at night, and only time will tell which are founded. I am the eternal worrywart, and a terrible pessimist. Next time I will try to look at the good stuff!

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