When I first started to transition, not being seen as a woman was EVERYthing. After all, before testosterone started to work its magic, and even before I was taking the stuff, it felt like the only things I had to *prove* I wasn’t a woman were clothes and attitude. Oh, and my name, of course. But even as I introduced myself, I knew that people were not thinking “Oh my goodness, he’s called MARK, what a fool I was to think he wasn’t a man!” More like “Mark? That’s weird, she’s got a man’s name. Oh well, I’ll go along with it…”
So I worked hard to try and present myself in a way that would ‘point people in the right direction’, and, let’s be honest, got a bit upset when people persisted in misgendering me. I guess part of the problem is that I knew myself that I was not a woman, and had very quickly disassociated myself from my old female name and presentation. Very early on in the process I moved headspace away from female. That’s not to say I have crossed some metaphorical canyon – I don’t believe gender works like that – but with self-acceptance, validation from the medical profession and a concrete decision to transition came a shift in something that I can’t even think of a name for. My ‘me-ness’, perhaps?
One of the upshots of this is that whilst the sensible person that I am realises that when strangers misgender me, it’s because they DON’T KNOW and CAN’T TELL, there’s another, big part of me that is genuinely surprised that they can’t tell! That sounds crazy, I know, but I now identify so strongly as not-female that it honestly seems illogical for people to call me ‘she’ or ‘the lady’. However, that’s my problem, not other people’s.
Armed with this knowledge, I have moved on from a point where I wanted to tell everyone how mistaken they were, in some bizarre antithesis of David Walliams’ ghastly “I’m a LADY” sketch. After all, there’s not a lot to be gained from embarrassing a stranger, and really, if I’m not going to see someone again, I’m unlikely, these days, to bristle too much when Will and I are referred to as “you girls”. Though actually, after nearly a year on T, I’m tempted to suggest someone referring to me as a girl needs to go to Specsavers.
Perhaps I am more mellow about other people these days because I do ‘pass’ a lot better, and fewer people use feminine pronouns or words to refer to me. It does still happen, though, and probably always will. I’m unlikely to ever look like The Rock, so a certain amount of ‘sucking it up’ will probably always be needed.
However, and this is an important however, I am talking about strangers here, not colleagues, family or friends. I think it’s reasonable to expect that the people who know, love, live or work with trans people do need to make the effort to think about the language they are using, and what it says about their attitude to the trans person in their life. Sure, mistakes happen, but as I’ve said in an earlier post, a quick ‘sorry’, correcting the mistake and moving on works wonders. Just remember how powerful a small mistake can be for the recipient.
Back to my strangers. People on the street will use gendered language without thought (and hopefully without malice), but I do have a particular bugbear with people in shops/service industries/professional customer facing environments using ‘lady’ and ‘gentleman’ to refer to people. In an ideal world, I would like it if people in shops and so on learnt not to refer to others with a gendered word. For instance, I went into a shop a while back, and had to see the manager and I was asked to wait whilst they were called. The person serving me, when the manager arrived, pointed me out and said “This lady needs your help”. Of course I sucked it up, but really, how difficult would it be to substitute the word ‘customer’ – just as polite. And I don’t just mean using more neutral language around people whose gender you are not sure of, but for everyone.
The way we refer to people doesn’t have to be gendered – have a look through some of my blogposts: whilst I don’t always manage it, it’s very rare that I refer to someone specifically by their gender. That’s not the way I think about people…but that’s a whole other blogpost!
You have a good attitude. I am trying to be better with this, and I am getting the ‘madam’ a lot less now than before. I am trying to avoid concentrating on it as much. About 2 months ago I thought I had cracked it entirely, had the mindset of “I pass now, I’ll never get a ‘madam’ again.” Then ended up having a panic attack in a restaurant because I did get misgendered. That ended up ruining both mine and my partner’s evening and I ended up feeling guilty for being triggered by such a simple thing. So I now am back to going about my day expecting not to pass. It is a bit depressing that way, but unlikely to cause such sudden misery!
The Sir/Madam thing does help to show you are polite and respectful in situations quickly, however – and in a shop or public serving role, especially any in a uniform, that counts as a big diffuser of conflict and abuse. I get considerably fewer complaints than my colleagues who do not regularly use ‘Sir/Marm/Miss’ thing. I appreciate that sometimes it may not be someone’s personal coice to be called ‘Sir’ by a police officer or something, but it really does establish a level of respectful conversation when most people think the very fact you have approached them is ‘threatening/imposing/antagonistic’. If ever I am unsure, I don’t use it and try to avoid any pronouns until I get a clue but it doesn’t happen often where I work.
Hi there,
I definitely take your point, but I also believe there are equally respectful ways of speaking to/about someone than referring to your preceived notion of their gender. Body language, facial expression, tone of voice and generally respectful language all help to put a customer at ease. Personally, I’d rather be called by name, if the person I’m talking to has access to that, or referred to in the capacity in which I have come into that situation (eg: customer/client/visitor/etc.)
I’d honestly say that a respectful greeting does not have to have a gendered element, eg: “Good morning, how can I help you today?” is just as effective as “Good morning, Madam, how can I help you today?” Actually, more effect in my case, as I find the latter much more patronising.
It’s a can of worms, that’s for sure, but as gender becomes openly less black and white than previously, we need to find a more neutral language basis for interactions. As someone dealing with people on a day-to-day basis, you have no way of knowing how people identify, or how much you may be offending them/triggering them in any bid to be polite or respectful.
That’s my take on things, but I don’t think it’s solely a trans issue.
I aree re it not being a solely trans issue – in fact I’m sure my life would probably be a lot more easy going if the majority of people I dealt with were trans! In situations where I think someone is already riled up – I would never use their name – it makes cis men especially REALLY angry – hence why I opt for Sir. But yes, as for body language that’s usually a given – especially to people in non violent situations. I do feel embarrassed when as part of my job I have to ask how people identify in terms of sexuality etc. I haven’t had to ask anyone regarding gender yet – although no doubt it will arise eventually. Maybe it already has and they were just stealth! You do tend to have to make quick judgments sometimes as sadly we have to fill in a lot of boxes for statistics, and although they have a lot of ‘race’ ones, they don’t have a card we have to present the public and ask them to ‘pick one’ for gender yet.
I don’t envy you having to deal with members of the public quite so ‘up close and personal’, and I can only guess at the pressure of having to make decisions quickly, and within your job’s limitations regarding gender, race, sexuality and other areas. I think it is a very positive thing that you are obviously someone who is thoughtful on this issues, and with enough people like you in any profession, I like to hope that change and evolution is possible.